DAVE KOLONICH
As echoed by several Cleveland sports writers, the month of January has typically become the Browns’ version of championship house cleaning. This is the time of the year when hope begins anew, the players hibernate in their (Josh) Cribbs, one of the Browns’ hated rivals advance to the Super Bowl and someone in the fractured chain of command wakes Randy Lerner to remind him that he owns a professional football franchise. For Browns fans, this has to be the most exhilarating time of year, akin to collectively rebooting a Madden franchise.

Considering our status as the most loyally abused football fans on the planet (of course, soccer doesn’t count), we know that last year’s dismal performance was purely the result of injuries, poor coaching, a tough schedule, a dysfunctional front office, absentee owner and of course, dumb luck. Taking a cue from our new political savior, the coming years will be full of hope and change, and more hope.

Next year will obviously be different because the Browns will bring in their own agent of change…a successful, smash-mouth, intense, protruding jaw of a White Knight from Westlake…

Oh wait…I forgot we hired Eric Mangini.

Here’s what I know about Eric Mangini:

He coached the Jets for three years. He’s kind of plump. He came from the illustrious Belichick coaching tree. He studied minimalist method acting under Romeo Crennel. Belichick hates him. He was in an episode of The Sopranos. And he’s not Bill Cowher.

Isn’t a little early in the calendar year for Browns fans to get punched so hard in the gut? It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Cowher was the girl we let get away, then watched blossom into a beauty, before our biggest high school enemy romanced her.

And now she is unattached. Yet, she just turned us down.

But is it really so bad? Was Cowher the answer? Casting aside Eric Mangini (as Randy Lerner will do in three+ years), let’s examine the legend of Cowher and why I feel it’s okay that he is not coming to the lakefront.

2006 – The Afterglow

One of the most striking memories about the 2006 season for me, besides watching Charlie Frye run circles around his pocket protection, was the look on the face of Coach Cowher during a week three Steeler loss to the Bengals. Verron Haynes fumbled the ball away and Big Ben threw a crippling fourth quarter pick, which helped drop the Steelers to 1-2. This was a non-typical Steeler performance, yet Cowher’s demeanor was almost placid, much like the ferocity of Jerome Bettis’ kittenish analysis on Football Night in America. Cowher’s look suggested that he was at peace with himself. He framed these costly turnovers with a Zen-like trance. And why not?

He had already won his fortune, got the girl of his dreams and was now ready to move on. Cowher was simply not hungry anymore.

In the offseason meat market of coaching change, Cowher’s satiated look could save the likes of Dan Snyder, Jerry Jones and Woody Johnson millions of dollars. Or, he could cost one of them a small fortune, based on an investment that banks on Cowher returning to his 1992 form. Disagree with me if you choose, but make sure to wave at Joe Gibbs, Mike Holmgren and Dick Vermeil on your way out. Luckily for the Browns, Randy Lerner’s hands-off approach has created a system that is so dysfunctional that his Paris Hilton-sized inheritance did not even begin to entice the Chin to return to his roots.

Roots
One of Barack Obama’s few blunders during his Campaign for Change was his offhanded comment about rural Americans clinging to their guns and religion. Here in the heartland of Browns country, it seems in desperate times, we cling to our local, homegrown heroes.

In mentioning possible saviors for our franchise, the names of Bernie Kosar, Marty Schottenheimer and Ozzie Newsome were thrown out as the commanders of our latest surge. These are all great names and along with Webster Slaughter and Reggie Langhorne’s end zone high-five celebrations, comprise the greatest memories of my youth. Of course, they are all familiar and comfortable names.

Much like the Ohio State fan who thinks James Laurenitis is the next Mike Singletary and Troy Smith is a viable NFL quarterback, these are simply more attempts to re-create the past by using the most accessible resources.

We can stretch these roots out even further, by claiming Cowher as one of our own. I remember the intensity he showed as the Browns Special Teams coach during the almost glory days of the 1980’s. He was a gritty linebacker before that, where he maximized his limited talent and hung around the NFL for a few years.

However, any connection to the Browns ended the second Art Modell decided Cowher was too young to be an NFL coach and again when the Chin was born in black and gold.

Simply put, Cowher is not ours. And he can never be.

If Randy Lerner’s quadrennial search for direction has proven anything, it is that he is not exactly a visionary. Lerner reminds me of an “A” student that has read numerous biographies and is incredibly astute regarding successful business models, yet cannot understand the need for 64 crayons in a box. Of course, he doesn’t have a clue as to how to implement a successful model, but he obviously knows what he likes. In this sense, his main strategic goal for the Browns is to emulate what has worked for other teams (See: retaining Policy, Clark, hiring Crennel, Savage, Mangini, and Kokonis).

Besides trying to foolishly re-create the idyllic past of our hated rival, again, I have to re-state the main problem… Cowher is a Steeler!

Now, I would have no problem if Bill Belichick returned to Cleveland and he brought along Tom Brady, Mike Vrabel, Willie McGinest (never mind) and also signed Big Ben, Hines Ward, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed to lifetime contracts. If the Browns won seven Super Bowls with these players, I would be eternally grateful and would re-create an NFL Mount Rushmore out of canvas and Stadium mustard with their likenesses.

However, would it truly be our team? Is Jamal Lewis really a Brown? Is Marty Schottenheimer? Well, of course he is…Which brings me to my final argument.

MARTYBALL
I remember rocking back and forth, huddled in a corner waiting for the Steelers to punch in a game-clinching touchdown against the Colts in the 2006 Divisional playoffs. In what would have been another monument to Cowher’s impeccable sense of playoff futility, Big Ben simultaneously created and rescued the legacy of
the Chin by clumsily falling into and tripping up Nick Harper, forcing the choke artist known as “our idiot kicker” to seal his own respective fate. Had Big Ben not been born with abnormally large arms, Cowher would simply be known as the greatest coach to not win the big one. And Marty Schottenheimer would simply be known as Cowher’s mentor.

For the Browns fan still clinging to the hope that Cowher will return, here’s a list of names that hopefully will shock you back into reality. Stan Humphries, Jim Harbaugh, and Drew Bledsoe. Of course, this is not the complete list of quarterbacks who have beaten Cowher coached teams in the playoffs…in Pittsburgh. Yet,these losses are a testament to Cowher’s tentative coaching style in big games. As hard-nosed as Cowher’s coaching personality is, his playoff teams seemed to be distracted by the glare (or perhaps “gleam”) of big games. As Browns fans, we have already been teased by playoff Martyball.

Sometimes you just can’t (and shouldn’t) go home again. So, the process begins anew…again. Perhaps Eric Mangini is the second-coming of Bill Belichick. Of course, this may just mean that he ignores the media, plays games with his players, runs unimaginative schemes and then wins three Super Bowls with another team. Or perhaps we have struck gold by finding an inspired, hungry coach who can create his own legacy with our beloved Browns. Whatever the result may be, we need to band together as Browns fans and help create our own legacy and most importantly, do what we do best…keep hope alive.